Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old people can sleep through anything. Betting this chainsaw says differently.

   If we're side by side in bed and I can't keep my eyes off you, it means I'm really in love, or I'm gonna' slit your throat while you sleep.

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.

   I booked into a hotel last night. I said to the receptionist, I hope the porn channel is disabled? She said "NO" it's regular porn you sicko.

   Why do I have a feeling that the people who correct the spelling and punctuation on Facebook posts are the same ones who got bullied a lot in school?

   I think I have Bieber fever. That's when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself right?

   If schools were supposed to prepare us for the adult world, we should've had a subject called "How to get away with murder".

   I never trust anyone with my phone. I mean they might tweet something inspirational and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.

   If you're ugly and you know it, put some makeup on, take a picture and add some Instagram filters and you're good to go.

   Scientists says the world is made of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.... I think they forgot to mention Morons

   My coffee is so black it just rapped the lyrics of a Snoop Dogg song.

   Hey everyone, I just created a new game at the gym. You go up to a big body-builder, ask him if he wears a bra and wake up at the hospital.

   I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food.

   If Adele doesn't open a Sushi restaurant called "Rolling in the sea" then seriously, what's she even doing?

   People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.

   It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

   during the local christmas parade tonight, the local hospital had a float that read "more than a hospital"...yeah, they're also a morgue