Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone.

   I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so.

   Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible.

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people.

   Totally cool to keep killing your people Bashar. Just don't use chemical weapons. Otherwise, we're all good.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap.

   Obama comes out smelling like a rose either way with the fiscal cliff thing. If it passes, he takes credit and if it doesn't, he'll just blame the Republicans

   Anyone who can use the term "Hitler was right" has a lot of soul searching to do!!!

   When it comes to bacon, I have as much self control as a kitten faced with a large ball of string...

   Stop looking for things and people who you think will make your life perfect, and start looking for the things and people that make your life WORTH IT!

   why do psychics ask questions?

   Even when I'm home alone, I always lock the bathroom door. I've seen Zombieland. I'm not going out like that.

   congrats to Bob Costas!! America's d ick of the week!!!!

   1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram

   So, this whole Mayan 12/21 thing - does anyone know if that's Mayan Standard Time or Mayan Daylight Time? Asking for a friend.

   seriously, Obama. Quit tweeting about the damn fiscal cliff and fix it already...

   Teach a man to fish and he'll be like "Cool, thanks!" Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

   Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn't answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.