Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When they came up with the phrase "loose lips sink ships", the captain was getting a blow job.

   Some men look for easy women. Some women look for easy money. I'd just like to find someone who won't stab me in my sleep.

   DIVORCE: From first date to court date; you never see it coming.

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   I sit when I pee because God dammit there's a seat right there!

   What time does facebook close tonight?

   Yes,,, Yesterday,I let the cat out of the bag,,, But today, There's no way she's getting out of that dishwasher

   This Just In: Researches still working to discover how over 75,000 people were miraculosly cured in Colorado last month from glaucoma and nausea..

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

   Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

   On the 14th of December I'm going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up.

   So Christian Ponder is engaged to Samantha Steele. In typical Christian Ponder style, after the wedding there will be NO RECEPTION

   BREAKING: Rex Ryan officially names Mark Sanchez starting Jets QB...proving the NFL needs to start testing coaches for concussions.

   I once asked an old man: Which is more important to love or to be loved? He replied: which is more important to a bird, the left wing or the right wing?

   Sign of the time's! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating-up our kids.

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you...

   For some reason, they dont seem to be marketing the Tickle Me Elmo as heavily this Christmas.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.