Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.

   I think I'd be a good role model for plants!

   My cat moved out when my first child was born. True story. I guess giving birth is quite traumatic on a pu$$y.

   when someone says you haven't aged a bit, they really mean you looked like s hit back then, too...

   40 y/o women are like stray cats. A little attention and they'll never leave...

   if we get to my place and she's wearing a push up bra and spanx, I'm putting her s hit on the street...

   I will take two 20 year olds over a 40 year old any day!

   The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there."

   If anyone ever moans about you leaving a pile clothes on the floor, just tell them it's a dead Jedi.

   Just played the board game Clue, The "Who killed music" version. Well turns out it was Nicki Minaj, in the studio, with a microphone.

   I wonder if Colorado or Washington girl scouts can make "special cookies" to sale along with the others

   remember when MTV actually stood for Music Television

   The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.

   3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a someone who wont stop Inboxing meee...

   On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me- 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 holiday pet pictures, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 p

   Hey teenage girls, Santa saw your facebook. Now you're only getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

   The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

   In my darker moments I despair over the injustices I will never be able to stop. Greed. Hunger. Plague. Here Comes Honey-boo-boo

   Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status

   Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..