Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.

   Maybe if you had a perfect attendance record in school as you do in the club your life would be better off.

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

   Great first it was the Movie theater early this yr, then the Mall random shootings, no its kids at the elementary level...... Can we put praying back in school now?

   Kristin Stewart doesn't look bored to me. She looks just like all the girls I have sex with.

   You lost me at eye contact.

   When you bang a fat girl you have to hold her belly up like a broken garage door

   I was being all sexy n shi t but you blinked and you missed it

   My nipples don't understand that I am going to a decent place.

   The designated driver's most important job is making sure no one gets any tattoos!

   Farts are like secrets to me because I never keep them to myself.

   There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?

   Any argument where she says I can do whatever I want always ends with me not doing whatever I want to do.

   If my wife says one more thing about how poorly I manage money... she's not allowed to jump in the inflatable castle I just bought on EBay.

   Coz that Pope started using Twitter, Santa just created his Facebook account. Guess what, all the kids are getting clothes and Bible for Christmas :)

   What the shelf life of fruit cake? I think the one I have in our pantry is from 1989...Do you think I could still regift it?

   FYI - Only seven more shopping days until the apocalypse! Plan your looting accordingly...

   Don't worry guy's.... I just hung my 2013 calendar to protect us from the apocalypse. We should be good.

   After putting up xmas lights last night I'm wondering why no one hasn't opened up a business that untangles xmas lights...

   Props to our cat for getting excited about eating the same food EVERYDAY!