Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have spent almost half of my life trying to come up with new ways to get out of things and situations.

   I wish every time someone did the Gangnam Style dance they instantly got struck by lightning.

   Nothing's driving me insane. Insane is in the passenger seat screaming for it's dear life.

   When I was a kid, my brother would say stuff to me like, "My mom can be@t up ur mom!"

   Went from Being Single to.... In a Relationship with God.

   I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes CLOSED !

   Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.

   NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   If I had boobs, I'd never be able to look up again.

   "I don't want to cheat but I'd like to have sex again" ~The Paradox of Marriage

   Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it's none of my damn business.

   Jesus take the wheel ~ Mexicans stripping a car

   Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.

   Happiness; you have to chase it around, but misery that b itch waits for us around every corner.

   If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from being a douchebag.

   While on toilet seats ..... I am sure lot of marriages could have been saved ... If only they had invented a device which dries and wipes the toilet seat automatically after use

   There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."

   I'm atheist. Swear to god.

   The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.