Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   I'll never judge or insult you because of your beliefs. I'm just kidding idiot.

   If men in bands can make her dance, I wonder what men in college can make her do.

   Mayans lol...and to think MTV started "Punked"!!

   ou all have nothing to worry about, Zombies only eat people that have brains.....

   9 1/2 months from now there are gonna be a lot of babies born...suckers.

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

   My favourite Christmas song is the one about baby Jesus passing gas. Forgot what it's called but the main chorus is "Do you hear what I hear?"

   Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.

   Call me an optimist, but one day I hope to see changes in the Arab world. Like freedom of speech, democracy or someone smiling in public.

   I'm so lazy I don't understand, I undersit.

   The Mayans were wrong so they must've been men!

   I lost my virginity to a guy who said "just the tip"

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   If God didn't want me to have sex all the time, maybe he shouldn't have blessed me with this pretty huge d ick.

   Did we DIE???... omg is this hell???... oh we didn't, so youre telling me I'm just at work o_O... oh well carry on then

   I love a woman in a suit! Her birthday suit that is.

   How much doggy style do I have to do before I turn into a dog?