Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?

   Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

   If spiders start flying I'm leaving this planet.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?

   BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.

   If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

   I'm gonna get a tshirt made that says ' I survived the end of the world and all I got was this lousy tshirt

   Twinkee's are coming back... There is a God.

   Crap! Still here! Better schedule that colonoscopy,

   DEAR SANTA, When you're done with it... Can I have the naughty girl list????

   Drink apple juice... OJ will kill you.

   Mark Zuckerberg should have just shut down Facebook for 24 hours...That should have scared enough people to think the world was over!!!

   What if Bruce Willis and crew actually blew up the asteroid last night. Willis 1 - Mayans 0.

   wore my mistletoe belt buckle out last night. Met a girl with a mistletoe belly button piercing.. Wedding is next month."

   Well, If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 13 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status about the End of the world again??? I wonder what will be doing 13yrs in the future from now.......

   R.I.P to everybody who didn't make it to Christmas this year.

   If you need an assault rifle with 30, 50, or 90 round clips to protect yourself maybe you just suck at protecting yourself.

   Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.

   if these damned Mayans are wrong, I'm gonna owe a lot money and will definitely have to return the Lamborghini!!

   I just want to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to everyone, well everyone but you. I shaved my nutz for you and you just left me to die a VIRGIN!!