Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i like my women like I like my peanut butter.. super chunk

   I like my girls like I like my cheese. F@t free American singles.

   every year it is a race to see who drops first me or the new years ball

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   Peope say to me "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "hey bro, why no job?"

   the only friends I have ignore me and act like they are my boyfriend. weird

   My car has a luxurious heated steering wheel (in the months of June-August)

   Every time I see a continuous smile on a person's face, I get paranoid that they might be insecure with no money or nice partner.

   call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!

   Peope say to me, "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "would you put bumper stickers on a Ferrari?"

   Everything is pointing to a major worldwide economic collapse in 2013 which will cause a rise in prices, unemployment and homelessness. As a result, there will come a sharp increase gunfire, looting, burning, rape, and murder. Happy New Year!

   The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.

   If I see one more girl create a Facebook profile for her unborn child, I will not hesitate to make a profile as a coat hanger and poke it

   Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…

   Do you like Dragons? Cause in a minute I'll be dragon my balls across your face.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   Kim and Kanye respectfully request as little privacy as you can give them during this blessed event...

   ‎2013 is the chinese year of the snake. I hope I can quit putting dragon on my checks

   boy, the day flys by when you do something you love. Like sleep till Noon...