Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything

   Somewhere, Joe Rogan's date is texting while he talks about supplements

   You know you had a good night when you go to the bathroom the next morning and get the full effect of all the stool softener you drank...

   pretty sure God didnt kill your grandpa. he had cancer, its a sickness people die from

   Been a while since “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” & “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” We need a new song where someone yells a list.

   nog steeds lekker vakantie

   If you keep a foot in the past and a foot in the future, you're gonna piss on the present...

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.

   Karen on Facebook says she's… "Grabbing 2013 by the b*lls!" Karen's been a total slut since the divorce.

   HIM: Do you want to go for a ride in my BMW? HER: Yep you can drive me to my JAGUAR!

   Women are weird. Hundreds of people can tell them they're beautiful but they'll obsess over the one person that doesn't.

   I guess there's just something about the word bro that makes dudes take their shirts off and touch each other.

   RELIGION - a refugee for when physics, chemistry, biology, logic and common sense become too complicated to understand.

   DIARY OF A BACHELOR - Day 689: I am happy to report that I am still in total control and command of my sperm which I continue to manage successfully and thus have not impregnated any female out of wedlock, thanks mostly to self-control and quality c0ndoms

   How's Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's.

   I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*

   if "PRO" is the opposite of "CON" then "PROgress" has to be the opposite of "CONgress