Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam’s mother cooked.

   Just got a new smart phone...but it's RG3 speed is kinda disappointing -It wouldn't stay in my pocket,and now it runs really slow...

   All I'm saying is that teasing orthodontic patients does NOT make me a "brace-ist!"

   Oh so you're a model? Who's your agent, Instagram?

   Golden domes over mobile homes. Go Irish!!

   Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater? wow, I didn't even know they can Knit !

   I just got the new RG III wobble leg doll!!

   didn't take sex ed growing up and had to figure things out on his own ...with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way!

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   I don't mean to brag... but I'm a pretty damn formidable peek-a-boo opponent

   How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.