Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why hello Mr. Cup of Tea which is scoldingly hot for the next 30 minutes but magically becomes ice tea 1 minute later..

   someone corrected my grammar once and my grampar kicked their a$$...

   The fear of being hurt in a relationship usually causes you to stay single.

   If a girl says, "I hate drama" there is a 99% chance she is a huge drama queen.

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   I will always be there for you if you never need me.

   You can take your "third time's a charm" and shove it right up your "I deserve a second chance."

   People who buy secondhand phones off amazon and eBay don’t realize they’re interacting with a lot of genitalia bacteria.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.

   I like big brains and I can not lie.

   No one in my office is hitting on me. Seems like it's high time I shave my mustache.

   Let’s have a moment of silence for the brave bud that got smoked by that fagatron Bieber.

   This just in: Notre Dame has made adjustments from last night’s scrimmage and is looking forward to the real game tonight…

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?

   Our country is broke and overweight. Yet we still pay $$ to power up escalators? Makes sense.

   I'm anxiously awaiting my front row tickets to...what goes around comes around

   If Mariah Carey can give birth to twins and still reclaim her toned tummy, surrely I can also get rid of this holiday season beer gut and reclaim my six pack.

   Name 2 things that get smoked in bowls?.......Marijuana and Notre Dame Football