Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m thinking about becoming an MMA fighter. What’s the tattoo minimum??

   You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished.

   The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens... To meter you.

   Women: I can't live with them and I can't be straight without them..

   you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging.

   The phonetic alphabet for BJ is "Bravo Juliette." Which is exactly what I say to my girlfriend after a blow job....

   I like reverse cowgirl because he can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   If you're into girls that shout at the TV as they eat Doritos in their Hello Kitty pajamas, you're gonna fall in love with me so hard.

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   Things that you need adequate preparation for: 1. Zombie apocalypse. 2. Alien invasion. 3. A nal sex.

   The first rule of Zombie Club is: Try not to sprain your ankle.

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   Lord, I did as you asked and loved my neighbor. But now her husband is outside with a gun and… OMG NO STEVE I WAS DOING THE LORD'S WORK!!!

   High pulp, no pulp, with Calcium, w/o Calcium… WTF happened to just regular OJ??

   I went to Hy-Vee where there is supposed to be a helpful smile in every isle. False advertising. I had to walk down 5 isles to get help!!

   When this Ho on Maury found out that the 36th dude tested wasn't the Father, she ran so far backstage, I flipped the Channel and she was running across the set of ESPN!

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.