Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daughter: dad I'm a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do

   I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly... She's not your friend anymore.

   of course Herbalife is a legitimate company. To prove it, they just hired Lance Armstrong as their new spokesman!!

   do we really need a FB page titled "I Oppose Bullying"?? Does anyone support bullying??

   It is time Taylor Swift Exes formed a band & sang replies to her songs.

   Facebook. Why are you trying to lure me into people's problems?

   Curiosity killed my virginity!

   So John McCririck is suing Channel 4 because he was replaced by the younger Clare Balding. Could have been worse John. You could have been replaced by a woman.

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   Soon there will be a lot of deadbeat dads trying 2 make up for lost time by “Liking” their grown kid’s Facebook updates.

   I seem to be the only one in the whole house who can figure out the toilet paper and how it gets on that retracting stick

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.

   They say 9 out of 10 women are battered, and here I am still eating mine plain

   since none of the "alledged" steriod users got in the baseball HOF, now may not be the best time to come clean Lance...

   so after 25 years in the Senate, all of a sudden Biden is all about gun control??

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   Someone wrote "REtARd" on my window this morning. . . took me 3 effin hours to lick it clean :-/

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   Future Perfect Present Tense