Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your damn relationship status.

   My conscience is clear...because I soak it in vodka.

   When you click a button you didn't mean to click, so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.

   You know it's going to be a great story when it starts out with "So, this damn bi&ch..."

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   They should make a medal for anyone uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   After I die, there are some girls on facebook I’m going to haunt the s&it out of.

   Dear People of The World, I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.

   People get FAKE, when ish gets REAL.

   that Kim Kardashian has had more hands up her skirt than the Muppets.

   Has anyone attempted "The Drive Thru" in reverse??

   If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.

   As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words, 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells THEIRS?

   If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down.

   When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

   true story: girl crying, calls me up and says her fiance left her a note out of the blue saying, "Babe dont worry about me, I'll be gone for 2 days!" I'm thinking she needs a drink or two with me tonight!

   New Years Resolution #26: 'Not use the F word in every other sentence'. So far, it's going pretty fu*king well.