Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end by a "relationship status" on facebook.

   Cleaning out my closet while listening to "Cleanin' out my closet" Priceless.

   the hardest job in the world has to be a toothpick salesman. I still have half a box left I bought in 1997!

   After all that crap I cannot belive they are back together... Who you may ask....The cheeks of my arse

   if the Miss America contestants all represent their home state, why are they all white and skinny??

   That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......

   At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....

   That incredibly relieving feeling when you have to fart after having the man flu for 4 days, and its only a fart!! Fart roulette.......

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

   OK FB friends, quit asking questions on FB. You know how the internet works, don't you??

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend…until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a parking lot...

   "I'm just sayin. It'd be better without the raisins." ------[ Everything with raisins ]

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...

   My favorite vegetable is bacon...

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it

   Dear FB friends, I need your help... I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell my wife (tag wife) that I am cheating on her and have a girlfriend... Any Suggestions???

   I see your rules, and raise you my complete disregard.

   2 wrongs always equal a great night.

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.