Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sugar Babies --- College girls hooking up with older men to pay their tuition.

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ

   Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.

   It's 8:35 AM and I've already sat on 3 different toilet seats. My morning in a nutshell.

   @illuminatedwndr: I love you, but I don't 'Spell your name out with refrigerator magnet letters' love you

   SWAG = Secretly We Are Gay

   sometimes you have to delete your fb so you don't get caught

   In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!

   I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.

   Vegas has the Ravens as a 9.5 point underdog against the Pats but the Ravens are a 3 body favorite in possible murders.

   Hey look, Grandma!.. You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again....

   The human body is amazingly intricate,, and astonishingly beautiful,, for a turd factory

   If there is a draw on ITV's Splash, it will go into sudden death. Michael Barrymore will host. (What, too soon?)

   Jingle Jangle With The Camel, is my favourite Arab Movie.

   You know you are in deep financial crisis when you wife is giving you Bl@wjob just because you can't afford to buy yogurt.

   Hey Canada,,, Are you sure those were YOUR geese?.. They weren't as polite and well mannered as I would expect

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   Today's 2nd big idea: Low fructose corn syrup.

   Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops

   I keep putting things in the wrong containers in the kitchen. I don't think it's Alzheimers. That's a different kettle of fish...