Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sun rises with coffee and sets with whiskey.

   I’m saving time and money by misdiagnosing all my illnesses on the internet!

   Nice try, girls who make up for being fat with makeup, designer bags and shoes. Nice try.

   If Adele's doctor didn't say "the baby looks healthy rolling in the deep" at least once, she needs to find another doctor.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question, I don't speak Walmart.

   Planning to take my relationship to the next level this Valentine's day but I couldn't find a store that sells wedding rings for cats!

   If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   I was nervous coz I was about to meet her family and she told me to just be myself and I sure will miss her.

   The day she agrees to a nal, I'm renting two industrial spotlights to shine into the night sky to celebrate the 'grand opening'.

   Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ

   Lance prolly lied about the whole Cancer thing just to cover his doping...

   I'm having a love/hate relationship with my antihistamines.

   Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

   Lance Armstrong probably didn't have the balls to admit he was using drugs

   Ladies please stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet, there are no brooms that big.

   God created r acism when he decided to create different r aces.

   The nerves of this kid to park his Smart car in between a Handicap spot!

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   Lance Armstrong probably still has both balls too.