Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   we can be friends or we can be spiders

   Dear son, Another hard year on the farm. Father had a stroke, bills are piling up. Are you famous on facebook yet? We are proud of you! -mom

   Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   My mom just called me and told me she has a new boyfriend. Django could be a white name too, right?

   There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.

   I'm gonna wear dockers with my Hawaiian shirt to work this Friday

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   It's kind of cool how khaki Dockers and ugly people found each other

   ".. So he sayeth unto me 'Taketh NyQuil with the Wine and Ye shall feel the path with your thoughts and hear things with your vision.'"

   You mean you guys don't write for TV sitcoms either?

   "Hold on, I look like S H I T." {grabs Chanel bag}, "OK, better...Let's go" - Some hood rat chick

   I'm not pressing S H I T for English!!!!!

   this girl I went out with must be really strong. She said once she got drunk in college and pulled a train...

   Dear apartment next door, you can either have an infant or a puppy, kill one.

   got diagnosed with 12 different mental disorders. my day in a nutshell

   If Lance Armstrong and Oprah was ever to have a baby they would name it Dope-rah

   When McDonalds only give you ONE pack of sauce ... <<< Bi&ch I ordered a 20 piece nugget meal , THE F&CK ima do with ONE pack !?

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?

   I hate when people only talk to me when they need something.