Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

   an intelligent carbon based lifeform.

   "Watch what the idiots are doing and do the opposite." ~ Robert Kiyosaki

   if the weed did make Lance perform better, those baseball players are gonna feel silly for injecting steroids that shrink their junk

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

   wonders if dogs do it human style

   Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!

   Let the bros at the urinals around you know everything's alright by nodding and whispering, "that's better."

   You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops.

   Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on.

   at least one person has to be sane in order for a relationship to work

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their guns don't work on him

   Cool prank: when a teacher tells you to use your inside voice start talking in tongues and vomiting blood

   Kanye pulling a fast one on all of us and naming his son Rick

   Tarantino sounds like a brand of frozen pizzas

   *Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug

   I enter a talent show. The judges say I don't have the right stuff. I pull out Tom Wolfe's 1979 book "The Right Stuff." The crowd goes wild.

   Bought a shirt with three wolves on it. Agressively seeking high fives from strangers.

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My p3 Nis is now 235 feet long.

   Ladies, please. Enough with the fighting. I have plenty of tentacles for everyone.