Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my cat doesn't like to go outside in the cold weather. now he has a swinging gut! I'm putting him on a diet

   Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.

   I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...

   my underwear is kinda half- assing it today

   Just discovered that one sock in my favorite pair of socks has a hole in it.....I really don't think I can go on with my day now.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   When a woman tells you 'you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.

   If you're going to give the silent treatment, the least you could do is go on the street and pretend to be a mime. We're kinda broke here.

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a man now!!

   I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

   Guys at the gym tryna look BIG by fitting into the smallest shirt possible. Wait, what's that shirt say? Daddy's Little Princess?

   Do they have dressing rooms for you to try on a smart car before you buy it?

   Hey girls wearing camoflauge, you can't hide the slutty with that.

   Whatever you say, dude. Nobody googles reptile porn by mistake.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I did so much crack last night, I broke into my own house. I was halfway out with the TV before I realized it was my place.

   How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.

   I'm lonely, but not 'talk to people' lonely.