Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Te'o hasn't been missing tackles, just hugging his girlfriend...

   All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

   So if a tree falls down in the forest...does Manti Teo believe Junior Seau is dead

   10 black guys said hi to me today. all I wanted was 1 white guy

   "Deep Inpact" is a fictional movie about our government reacting to an enormous problem buy trying to destroy it from existance thus resulting in creating two separate problems, 1 huge and 1 big. Sounds like reality to me.

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself

   My "check engine" light came on while driving this morning, I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.

   Don't worry about horse meat in tesco burgers, cos its part of a stable diet

   Things I have noticed today: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers... and camel toe found in Primark leggings...

   Those Tesco burgers containing horse meat is nothing, my daughter bought something from there that contained traces of sh*t.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. The affordable way to buy your daughter that Pony she always wanted.

   kudos to Lance Armstrong for having the ball to come clean

   You know you have problems when you mentally click a "like" button every time you see something that pleases you..

   Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

   If the driving ability of people on the road today is any indicator of the future of society, we are doomed.

   I've just read read that Trevor Moore, the CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops. I'm guessing that before that he was the navigator on the Titanic.....

   So Lance Armstrong admitted to using drugs but he won't admit that he used a car instead of a bike in all his wins.

   My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.