Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   If we are having sex and you say "give me all of it" I'll automatically assume you mean my money.

   I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   I've been practicing making sandwiches with handcuffs on because I like to be prepared.

   Just because you're over sensitive doesn't mean people are mean and offensive. Get a thicker skin and a sense of humour, douchebag.

   So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?

   Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.

   If you’re not getting laid on a regular basis, Facebook is not going to solve the problem. If anything its going to make it worse.

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   The greatest trick Lennay Kekua ever pulled was convincing the world she didn’t exist

   Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.

   taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   The next house I build is gonna be nothing but bathrooms! Just imagine all the fine women that would come over just to take pics!

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!

   “Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

   Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...

   I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...