Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel

   My imaginary friend is dating Manti Teo's ex-imaginary-girlfriend.

   As far as I'm concerned, it was false advertising. When I transferred funds to the seller, I had no idea that I was buying a dog, not a candy factory. Chocolate Lab indeed....

   I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...

   this bottle of scotch will mix well with this evening's decisions

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.

   I see where the TSA is removing all the X-Ray scanners from airports. And jsut as soon as they remove the TSA, I'll start flying again!

   likes to start every first date by saying "If this goes well, we might have a baby in 9 months".

   The fact that no one understands you does not mean you are an artist...

   I just spent 5 minutes on a dating website and now I need a shower...

   I always treat restaurant staff with the utmost respect because they are people trying to make a living like the rest of us. Also, because I prefer my soup without spit or urine in it.

   what's all the fuss about a fake girlfriend? Every girl I know is fake...

   I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Well I still think it's cool he was the first man to ride a bike on the moon!

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Yeah right...next thing you're going to tell me is that Subway's footlong sandwiches are only 11 inches long...silly people...

   If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job.