Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...

   I've recently purchased a hand held blow horn to use on drivers who text and drive. So far I have converted four drivers into pedestrians who now walk an text.

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   Are we supposed to poop 15 or 20 times a day? Just checking to see if I'm normal....

   if you're upset about not getting a valentine, then you're probably on your period...

   if God intended for man to pick stuff up from the floor, he would have made us shorter than woman...

   Women are easy to make happy. Just 1) Spend more than you make on them, 2) Tell her she's pretty, 3) Unfriend every girl you know (even your sister), 4) ignore every sport but cheerleading and 5) Smile while you rat hole money for when she divorces you...

   My GF just walked straight past me in Walmart without seeing me! Maybe I should put a 50% off sticker on my chest..

   God promised man he could find beautiful women who were good honest wives in all corners of the world then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

   Women just want to be loved and valued for who they really are on the inside, not just for their physical beauty... Claws and all.

   Logic of an ex girlfriend: You where sh*t in bed anyway So why sleep with me for 3 years then?

   My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy." Jesus said: "love your enemy." Case closed.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   a fun afternoon planned. Will be playing "Duck, duck, goose" with actual ducks and geese followed by few games of Chinese Checkers against actual Chinese people.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   I have come to the conclusion that Facebook needs to add an option called "People You Don't Want To Know"

   A slut's prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I'll have to do his best friend too.

   People are so rude to each other nowadays, that when one is nice and polite, it's considered a marriage proposal.

   Are you one of those people that get butt hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your ass off of Facebook.