Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is a 'No F unny updates Day' all status lifters are are required to read a book or go do some community work for their plagiarism crimes.

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   If you treat a guy like a piece of shi t all day at least have the decency to go to his house and laugh when he takes it out on his family.

   According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a closed fast food chains drive thru, partially nude, weeping and screaming for buttermilk ranch sauce

   Just invented a cell phone cover that looks like a pay check. Now all the yolo dudes can look responsible when they take a profile pic in their duckface baby-mama's bathroom mirror.

   Anyone else ever get disappointed when they hear the Emergency Broadcasting System and it turns out it's just a test. For once, I want to hear them say "Locate the nearest axe and seek shelter, zombies are over running the streets"...

   when a product states "New and Improved" my eyes see "Less S hitty than before"

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   Next time your bf/gf get mad attach a cape around their neck and say "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh...marry them...

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.