Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First time I saw a dry erase board I said thats "remarkable"

   has never been able to watch Finding Nemo all the way through in one sitting due to it's frequent use of the "N" word.

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   I got thrown out of a children's fancy dress party because all I was wearing was a red T-shirt. Some people have obviously never heard of Winnie the Pooh.

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.

   Scientists just announced non-smokers live longer than smokers. Also, fire is hot and beer is good…

   So rumor has it that Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn are dating....I wonder if he thinks it will be easier to go downhill on her....

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   Micheal J. Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday........ And yes,, They are Still shaking hands..

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   When asked if she was lip-synching or not at the presidential inauguration, Beyonce replied "I would blame it on the rain, but unfortunately it wasn't raining just really cold, and girl you know it's true."

   I wasn't born to kiss anyone's ass. If you want someone to obey and follow you, you should probably get a dog.

   Sex on a cruise ship means the ocean does all the work. Ocean sex rules!!! Go to hell land sex!!!

   love screwing with the minds of the foreign telemarketers "Oh my name is Perry, like Terry but with a P as in Pterodactyl."

   there is 1 Adderall in my system and 3057 bricks on the front of my house.

   I am not making the same mistake twice, I learned my lesson last year when I awkwardly walked around out of place at the Tattoo Expo, realizing I was the only one dressed as the Tattoo the midget from Fantasy Island, mumbling "De plane, de plane!!"

   if you comment on a picture from a year ago, you are a stalker...

   Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   Apparently rumors were going around that the Hip Hop reggae artist known as "Shaggy" had died due to a stabbing in a bar last week. Mr. Boombastic reassured all of his fans by saying "It Wasn't Me"