Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hope the women don't sue me for lying about my length too

   If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a piss-ant's go-cart two laps around a cheerio!

   Some peoples tattoos look like they were done in a jeep going over sweet jumps!

   Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live

   Women want someone that looks good on their arm, holds all their crap, and compliments their shoes. Basically men are just purses.

   Having a threesome during Flu season is just asking for trouble..

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can’t see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don’t kill him.”

   Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.

   Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.

   Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

   The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand in the relationship.

   Hey person calling me from a blocked number, I’m not answering. Ever.

   If you peel back the foil on pudding and don’t lick the pudding on the foil before indulging in the pudding then I’m sorry to say you’re not cool.

   Ladies: imagine a man who’s rich, handsome, listens well and loves you for who you are. Now keep imagining him, because he’s only imaginary.

   Plan for tonight: 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2. figure the rest out later

   Subway is not the only one being sued for lying about their length......

   Waiting for some indian dude to come out with a song called Ghandi style

   I have a friend with a lazy eye too. His name is Pete ,, or should I say PIRATE PETE. One eye is looking at you, while the other is looking for you.

   I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.