Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   C ondoms prevent minivans.

   I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.

   Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!

   The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.

   I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.

   Firefox; the best browser to download Google's YOUTUBE videos.

   1.5% of my Chapstick is lost because I shave a little off every time I put the cap back on.

   I wonder if Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend ever suspected him of not seeing somebody else...

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.

   I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.

   Facebook is probably the most efficient way of telling as many people as possible that you're lonely. ツ

   The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks anymore.

   Help me spread the word all over the internet that I am a millionaire. cause if its on the internet it has to be true.

   Lance Armstrong uses performance enhancing drugs to win races... I use performance enhancing drugs to write Posts... Should we be penalized?

   All birds find shelter during a rain. But the eagle avoids rain by flying above the clouds. Problems are common, but attitude makes the difference!

   The difference between me and some other guys: If my significant other cheats on me, their ass will be out the door, no excuses, no second chances.