Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women cant play football, well because no women like wearing the same outfit as other females!

   Never turn your back on a charging turtle.

   Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it! (I don't got it)

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.

   Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.

   The worst part about watching porn on your smart phone is getting interrupted by texts from your mother...

   I slept so hard last night the Geico caveman was under me when I woke up...

   why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??

   Apparently, guys who play the banjo haven't heard of an instrument called 'the guitar' which tends to drown the player in a sea of puss y.

   People mistake my shyness for unapproachability, and I'm totally okay with that.

   Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.

   early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce...

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

   choosing someone on a dating website is like deciding which STD you want...

   I have DirecTV...where's my genie??

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   I'm convinced any man who introduces themselves with 'Uncle' before their name is a child molester.

   I think I just had a wardrobe malfunction................................