Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's it called when you can't commit to a girl for more than a month but you've been using the same brand toothpaste for 15 years?

   My level of lazy is that I don't think house arrest would be that bad.

   It pains me when I look on one side of the world and see people with nothing to eat and starving to death and on the other side I see selfish people eating more than their bodies require and die from obesity-related complications.

   gonna have a zoo in my backyard so I'm never lonely

   Remember, when booking a cruise its not which cruise ship to go on, its which 3rd world country you would like to go to.

   I am just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

   never bet on a horse named (TRIPOD)

   i found a sexy person who I love very much.... it's a shame i'm not allowed to marry myself

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"

   Ya know... statisically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

   bulletproof vest on my chest so I can't get shot by cupid

   I use to wonder what'd it be like to read other people's minds....I got Facebook and now I am over it!!

   For being clones of a supposed badass, Stormtroopers can't aim worth a crap.

   ‎The vastness that is the universe is within everyone's grasp, if they but only have the vision to see beyond its infinite yet attainable horizons.(I wanted to see how full of it I could get)

   Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person.

   I took some deer antler extract once. Made me horny...

   Listen. If you're ever asked if you've taken deer antler extract, "No. Never." isn't quite as convincing as "WTF is deer antler extract?"

   has an easy solution for anyone who hasn't been laid in a long time - conjugal visits.

   There's something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs....

   So your neighbors having 3pm afternoon sex next door loud, and your best solution is turning up your porn louder to send them a msg?