Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if someone tells you it is the inside that counts, that usually means the person they are talking about should stay inside their house.

   She told me a little bit of soda would take the stain out of my white shirt,im guessing she didnt mean grape soda!!!

   High Wind Advisory for our area this evening. I wonder how the forecasters found out I had Mexican for lunch with refried beans???

   Can anyone here recommend for me a good gym to drive past?

   Today is a 'No F unny updates Day' all status lifters are are required to read a book or go do some community work for their plagiarism crimes.

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   If you treat a guy like a piece of shi t all day at least have the decency to go to his house and laugh when he takes it out on his family.

   According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a closed fast food chains drive thru, partially nude, weeping and screaming for buttermilk ranch sauce

   Just invented a cell phone cover that looks like a pay check. Now all the yolo dudes can look responsible when they take a profile pic in their duckface baby-mama's bathroom mirror.

   Anyone else ever get disappointed when they hear the Emergency Broadcasting System and it turns out it's just a test. For once, I want to hear them say "Locate the nearest axe and seek shelter, zombies are over running the streets"...

   when a product states "New and Improved" my eyes see "Less S hitty than before"

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   Next time your bf/gf get mad attach a cape around their neck and say "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh...marry them...

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go