Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm all for saving the planet, but recycling jokes doesn't help...

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   The state of Washington is looking for a marijuana consultant now that marajuana has been legalized. That must be one of those green jobs president Obama is always talking about.

   whoever said "Haste makes waste" never watched me eat a pizza!

   I hate it when people throw cigarette butts in urinals... It makes them soggy, and hard to light.

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that

   Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

   This just isn't my day... It could be raining t*tties and I'd get hit in the head with a d*ck...

   I am thoroughly convinced that some women don't fart. They just hold it in and it comes out as drama.

   so hungry I could eat a horse!! Here I come burger king!

   Happiness, is just a liquor store away.

   The majority of my life is spent alone, the rest is spent feeling alone.

   Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers.

   I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.

   does things the Chicago way - He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue!

   My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.

   "Well, she told me to fist her" - Chris Brown

   For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?

   My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!