Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   Correction, its women who suck at sex who accuse men of only being after one thing, sex.

   Women who say that men only want to have is sex are the women who have nothing else to offer than that.

   Only God can judge me.....tell it to the judge

   Of course I’ve had my servings of fruit today. Coconut rum, pineapple-orange juice and maraschino cherries. There’s a bonus for combo fruits, right?

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   Since I just finished my 4th glass of this wonderful spirit, all status updates, texts, private messages, and voice mails from me are now considered null and void.

   Wayne Brady honoring black history month is like Nickelback inducting Zeppelin into the Rock n Roll hall of fame

   "I love you! See ya in about an hour!" - Me talking to my beer.

   I don't care if your a 7 foot 10 Sasquatch of a man if you step on a kids Lego barefoot at 3am on the way to the bathroom you will squeal like a baby seal....fact....:)

   My dance style is best described as "is there a bee near me?"

   My battery is about to di

   I love Facebook because I can't afford gas for my car anymore so it's the only way I can visit with anyone now.

   I'm not "sitting alone at the bar," I'm a happy hour "first responder."

   Hey, just wanted to point out that Nemo is Omen backwards. I'm sure it's fine......

   I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.

   My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

   Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their girl parts.

   98% of my old High School friends here on Facebook used Math tutors to excel in class. The other 13% used me......

   Dear Northern Liberal tree huggers.......Winter Storm Nemo says FU and your global warming!!!