Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.

   There's nothing sexier than an intelligent woman who can f uck like she's stupid

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   Guys.... women pay attention to how you text. You think they don't notice someone who can move their fingers fast?

   I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   I'm white, so my touchdown dance would just be filing my income taxes on time.

   Facebook... because moving your fingers is almost like doing something.

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   Guy: I only pooped twice yesterday. Is there something wrong with me? Girl: I've already pooped twice this month. Is there something wrong with me?

   FACT: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   Been chewing for over 50 years now......you'd think I'd know where the insides of my cheeks are by now.

   I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...

   No, I haven't been sick. I haven't been busy. I haven't been away on vacation. The reason I haven't returned your calls is because I can't stand you.

   I'm gonna go ahead and call this one: lots of babies are going to be born on or around November 8th

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.