Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.

   Don't worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too.

   I think I've managed to weird myself single.

   Maybe the Pope finally found Jesus.

   ''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.

   Error 404: Jesus not found.

   Love is that gun we all use to commit suicide.

   Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.

   The Pope is the first to step down in 600 years due to being too tired? How tired does one get, sitting in that big comfy chair.

   i wonder what the ex pope will do with all those sweet hats

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bit¢h breathing out of her nose like she owns the oxygen here."

   The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.

   JUST ANNOUNCED: The Pope is resigning at the end of the month. Sounds a little Joe Paterno-ish to me.

   Chocolate contains 'phenylethylamine'. That's the same natural chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. And you wonder why women like chocolate.

   JT doesn't stand for Justin Timberlake...but for JUST TIRED

   i've been looking for the key to happiness....apparently it isnt on my keyboard or my phone

   My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

   im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work

   Damn, You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   LAPD are looking for a black guy who shot some people. so far, they have 3 million suspects...