Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am taking a second job as a Bounty hunter.. Well, I'm actually just looking for some paper towels in walmart.. Same difference..

   Go up to random fat chicks and tell them that they didn't need to take Fat Tuesday literally.

   Want to make a good first impression on a guy? Ask questions about him, seem interested, listen, giggle and swallow.

   A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."

   congratulations to trayvon martin - almost one year staying out of trouble

   it is so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

   Breaking: Pope resigns to become head Scoutmaster for the Boy Scouts of America.

   Every call from my mother is a judgment call.

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle"

   every Tuesday is "Fat Tuesday" at Wal-Mart.

   Apparently, "Press 1 for English" is now code for "Transfer me to someone in India who can fuc k this up for you in a big way"

   Go on, drink your coffee like you have something important to do today.

   Oh, you like camping? I like drinking outside too.

   When a woman asks you to come over and hang out, it doesn't mean sex. She just wants to talk about every guy she's liked that isn't you.

   Happy Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps Roule! And hopefully, when you wake up you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   I am thinking todays topic with my psychiatrist is going to be "When someone asks me if I have a snow blower.....why do I always picture my ex and Frosty the snowman"

   Happy Mardi Gras Everyone! now show me your boobs!!!! :)

   I've decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent....

   They should just make Sarah Palin pope. She can see heaven from her back yard.

   I hate when people post pictures of broccoli and asparagus while I'm having a bucket of fried chicken and a Sprite.