Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BBQ at Bear Mountain

   Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!

   Got my right hand a Valentines Day card. Had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise.

   Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove.

   I'm giving up snow for lent

   I just passed a guy doused in Polo cologne. For those of you born after 1989, Polo was a popular cologne then.

   Popup ads are the Jehovahs witnesses of the internet.

   No I don't think Christopher Dormer feels like Jason Bourne.......he feels more like bacon.

   So the Pope walks into a bar........ because now he can.

   My wife got a "mood ring" that turns green when she's happy,, and leaves a big red mark on my forehead when she's mad.

   Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.

   No matter what, there will always be dirty thoughts of you floating around in people's heads somewhere.

   Coffee , because beating the crap out of people is illegal.

   A pizza delivery guy knocked on my door & said, "I have a pizza delivery for your next door neighbor but no one is answering the door!" I replied, "No worries they use my door as their backdoor..." and now I have a "Do not disturb" poster on my door.

   I'm getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.

   A man overdosed on erectile dysfunction medication one night. He went out the hard way.

   Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.

   i am giving up giving up for Lent

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."