Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get a lot of, "Sir, if you're not gonna buy anything, you're gonna have to leave," as I creepily linger at Victoria's Secret for 2 hours.

   Rap is like scissors, it always loses to rock.

   On Facebook, One man's trash is another man's steady source of naked pictures.

   Can I just get a degree based on how many song lyrics I know?

   At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I'm not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   Some women scream when they try clothes on in fitting rooms, but that's probably because they weren't expecting to see me in there.

   I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

   You mean we can log off? Wait, what? You're kidding.

   My wife asked me to take her out on Valentines Day, I did & now I’m headed to prison.

   DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.

   Peeing after holding it in for over an hour is one of the best feelings that isn't taxed or illegal..

   Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5

   Ever had garbage in one hand, but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand?..... Anyway, my grand-daughter's o.k.

   I clicked on one of those " You've been unfriended by 3 people" messages,,,,,,,,,,, Now it burns when I post..

   Hey,,,, I said I'd be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.

   Being married for 20 years,,, our Valentine's gift to each other is usually staying awake past 8:30

   If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless."

   Valentine's Day: Reminding unhappy single people that they're unhappy & single since the 19th century.

   I bet if pigs could fly, their wings would taste delicious!