Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   Oscar Pistorius is probably kicking himself in the @$$ right about now.

   All this meteor-related violence clearly stems from our cultural obsession with shoot-'em-up video games like ASTEROIDS.

   Rihanna likes her beer like she likes her violence, domestic!

   Carnival Cruise's final failure: not having Planet Of The Apes actors on the dock to greet passengers.

   New speculations have arose that the Pope is resigning after being Catfished into believing he had a girlfriend by the same guy as Mantiteo.

   Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.

   To ease my mind, I just pretend the Die Hard sequels were written and directed by Hans Gruber as he fell from Nakatomi Plaza.

   id hate to be a vegetarian in Russia....everything suddenly tastes a little meteor

   Confession: sometimes, right at the moment of climax, I forget about Dre.

   Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything

   Just think... before Facebook all of this crazy s%*t was floating around in people's heads.

   And the worlds biggest fan of the band Bullet for My Valentine goes to... Oscar Pistorius!!

   Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ

   Just found out my Homeowner's Insurance policy does not have adequate roof coverage that covers Meteors. It never ends.....

   I wish that stupid meteorite would have hit my place of work during my day off.

   How do all these dudes driving Smart Cars find room in them for all the p ussy they're pulling in?

   I'm horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(

   It’s frightening how much trust we put in toilet spray!