Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   Don't listen to your heart. It has no idea what's good for you.

   I'm at my neighbor's house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

   Don't you find it suspicious that success and myself are never in the same place at the same time?

   Of all the people I don't love, I don't love you the most.

   Every month you push your kid in a stroller after they can walk is another year they'll live in your house after they turn 18.

   Question... Can I pay for pùssÿ with foodstamps if I plan on eating it?

   Roses are Red...Bacon is also red...Poem is Hard. Bacon.

   When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."

   *opens beer with double chin*

   Looks like they used up all the power trying to revive Wyclef’s career.

   It's called the pursuit of happiness because you spend your life chasing it before you realize it's the roadrunner and you're the coyote.

   I tried bleaching my as shole but all he did was complain the whole time. "Are you insane?!" "I want a divorce!" Blah Blah.

   I swear officer it started out as acupuncture and then just kind of transitioned into stabbing.

   I have spent the past 3 hours laying in my front yard, filling my belly button with water, and letting the birds use it as a bath.

   Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.

   This just in: The meteor that hit Russia caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements...

   It's science. It's meant to confuse stupid people

   YouTube... The only way you'll ever see MTV play music videos.