Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure what the big deal is with Danica Patrick. Like we have never seen a woman on the pole before.

   Anyone else hates when they see the word *sigh* rewritten in any Status/IM/Email/ Text whatever?

   I met a girl who told me she was a hopeless romantic. I don't want to be with her if she's hopeless.

   I am too funny I just don't know how to describe it in writing but if you doubt me you are free to come over to my house tonight & see... You can also carry a good comedy with you just in case.

   I'm trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram so I'm not going to eat anymore.

   Mindy Mccready committed suicide, your move Justin Beiber!

   To this day I still get freaked out by the Swedish Chef's hands

   I need to scratch my balls but can't find my wife's purse...

   I don't always poop in a bag but when I do I prefer Carnival!

   Nothing makes a roaring fire cozier than sitting on the neighbor's front lawn under an emergency blanket.

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   The most used sexual position for married couples is DOGGY STYLE. The husband sits and begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead!

   Okay, so maybe practicing hypnotism in front of the mirror wasn't the smartest idea..

   I love make up sex. Especially with Katy Perry. I make up sex with her all the time.

   lways be yourself, unless you're that guy. Don't be that guy.

   Once upon a midday dreary, While I plotted my next mealy, Came an empty rap-rap-rapping at my cupboard door. Quoth the Ramen, “Ever poor.”

   A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

   Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.

   If I pause my p orn to text you back, marry me.

   Today's Subway Special: The Triumph Carnival Cruise sandwich, This sandwich is served on 4 day-old Ammonia bread, with a scraps of room temperature tuna and onion, room temperature Mayonnaise, pieces of cucumber, and cheese.