Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."

   Say no to drugs and anyone who ask you if you talk to objects

   In Miami: We had a great winter season lastnight, can't wait 'til next year.

   If you want something be misunderstood, post on Internet.

   I saw a flying saucer today. It appeared out of nowhere followed right after by the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance.

   giving away FREE Donkey Punches!

   theres the old saying "you are what you eat"....glad I'm not in Britian eating horse's ass

   Tig Olbitties would make a good stripper name!!

   How do people know Dinosaurs roared if nobody ever heard them do it?! ...Maybe, They Meowed

   Like for impeachment

   no one looks back on there lifes and remember the nights they got plenty of sleep.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for lent.

   Abercrombie clothes are NOT meant to be worn by fat people, Just sayin'

   being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   seat belts are for people who have time to die, hell I don't even have time to sleep

   Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.