Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chicken pot pie. My 3 favorite things

   Dont even look up to me for help. I make a bad situation even worse.

   Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.

   According to my wife's calculations, I haven't been right in 12 years.

   I trick girls into 69 by giving them upside down hugs.

   The closest I come to beastiality is grabbing a ponytail.

   Wow you're having a baby? Congratulations! ...One second I'll be right back, I'm just going to take my birth control.

   I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .

   Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.

   A good sense of humor is the vaccine against lifes troubles.

   Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?

   Kim Kardashian Says She Would Like To Have Sex With Herself …To Know What It Feels Like! Guess that means that after Kanye West Noone wants to touch her.

   Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   There's nothing hotter than a f@t girl in stockings. Not appearance wise, I'm talking temperature.

   This electronic cigarette claims to contain no smoke, only water vapor. So apparently the best way to quick smoking is to slowing drown yourself.

   Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   FACT: One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.