Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASCAR tickets: $240 Parking: $12 Refreshments: $80 Being in the front row and getting to take home a piece of the car. (imbedded in your spleen): PRICELESS

   Good friends happen to good friends.

   I'd say good morning but its clearly afternoon. Rough night.

   I’m depressed and a bit humbled. I just found out Gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a Japanese horror movie monster.

   We should just give Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.

   If you enjoy watching Harlem Shake videos, don't ever complain about "stupid people." You're one of them

   I just want somebody that I can hangout with and play on my phone next to all day.

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people

   The lady in front of me at Walmart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her you should try putting that on your v@gina

   Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.

   I only watch porn to get decorating ideas.

   I'm fat because of genetics my whole family is fat. NO!! your whole family Is fat because they all eat like hogs.

   The Daytona 500 happens tomorrow. I can't wait to miss it.

   Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

   I'm not gay but twenty dollars is twenty dollars....

   Some people have relationships and some people have cats

   Tips on falling in love: Don't

   Let's have martinis together and then fight to the death with the tiny plastic swords.

   Taking off your clothes is the best part of my day.