Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Off to IKEA to shop, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/

   Manti Teo and the 40 yard dash in 4.8 2 seconds he said he would have ran it faster if he wasn't carrying his girlfriend

   Ironic that the Oscar for worst boyfriend ever went to a guy named Oscar...

   Oscars - some award show for boring movies I will probably never watch even if they paid me.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain.

   Dear people that still clip your phone to your belt.......stop.

   I discovered last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night......Is sleeping right through them.

   Online dating creeps me out! I'll stick with good old-fashioned prison pen-pals.

   Stupid people really irritate me. I wish I could piss on some people and sprinkle some wisdom on them.

   My phone's broken, if you need me, message me on MySpace .

   well the Oscars this year were dominated by the movie Pi....next year, I demand they make a movie named bacon....

   How about you Harlem shake off a cliff

   If this van's a rockin'?,,, the front wheel must have come off the cinder block... Just knock on the trailer door, someone's usually home

   goto yahoo, then click "Best and worst dressed at Oscars", first pic Halle Berry, second pic Pinocchio....

   High School Reunions: Trying to replicate that which was never so great to begin with.

   Women: The prettiest flowers in God's garden.

   If 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it, what the hell is the tenth doctor recommending?

   ***News Alert*** Michelle Obama is stunned her husband didn't win Best Actor.

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.......... If you're almost there & she laughs, now that's a different thing.....