Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite

   Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.

   Nothing says "Virgin" like having a score of above a million on temple run.

   I’m one of the 6 black guys in the world who has never slept with a Kardashian. :(

   If this weekend were any shorter it would be called a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   Sometimes when you’re about to say you’re against abortion you hear a Justin Bieber song and you hold that thought.

   If people fall in love with you too late, don't accept that love; Its after effects are annoying. It means there are some hidden problems with you or with that person.

   Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.

   Definition: Brain - Your body's hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.

   Browsers announce they have blocked pop up messages like they expect a congratulatory blow job after.

   Saw a man with a phone in a holster strapped to his belt, he did not admit I'm quite sure he's from the Old testament part of the bible.

   Insomnia is for people who haven't tried watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   Internet explorer 10, because how else will you download Google chrome and Firefox?

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch.

   Just bought my " I survived black history month" T-shirt

   I waterboard my girlfriends until they tell me what's wrong.

   My doctor won't tell me the diagnosis unless I upgrade to Bonus Features.

   I miss being late for work because of morning sex. Now, it's because I dress my cat as Gandolph.