Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.

   I remember a day when actions used to speak louder than words. Then along came Facebook.

   When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.

   I'm not sure what I hate most about rain. The fact that it's cold, it's wet, or it instantly turns everyone else on the road but you into a bad driver.

   I have auto-correct for my voice. It's called my girlfriend.

   March isn't the only thing that comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

   Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sunlight and poop out oxygen.

   You send me endless invites to play games here on Facebook but didn't send me an invite to your party...

   Does anyone else feel more sorry for the dog with the homeless guy than the guy himself?

   Don’t you hate it when you type in your username and password without looking at the screen, then after you press enter, you realize the cursor is not even on the login screen?

   There’s nothing more annoying than having a song stuck in your head that you don’t know all the words to.

   Sorry that we haven't named a new Pope yet. We aren't done with all of the background checks.

   If you love something, set it free... Maybe not sharks though, Or bees. Or viruses, Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm the only guy wearing a thong with Jesus' face on the crotch.

   Those aren't butterflies, honey; that's gas. Go burp & get over him.

   JustinBieber Happy birthday! As a true Belieber, I'll celebrate this day by blasting your songs in my car & driving myself off a cliff.

   People who say "like a boss" obviously don’t know what they are talking about because a typical boss does things half assed and incorrectly, only to turn around and blame others.