Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you're telling me mermaids don't exist?

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!

   I'd bet any of you good money that there's a woman mad at you right now and you have absolutely no idea why.

   What's brown and rhymes with snoop?.......................Dr Dre.

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.

   There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.

   Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.

   Sometimes life seems so Popeless.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

   I sure hope my wife passes her kidney stone soon! I'm getting hungry...

   One day I will claim that $37 trillion in US dollars from the bank in Zimbawe I keep getting an email from. . .

   I don't care how hot you are, honey...if I go to "toss the salad" and you didn't clean up right...it's over.

   I don't procrastinate. I just like to have a lot to look forward to.

   Thought for the day: is Taylor Swift's song 'We are never getting back together' actually about her legs ?

   Way to go American Idol judges. Publicly judging Charlie to where he is in tears, and now I'm just waiting for him to go "postal" on A.I. This season is about to heat up.

   Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who's sick of her bulls hit.