Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever

   If your going to Facebook stalk me please have the decency to comment or like things form time to time..... I mean really, whats the good of having a stalker if you don't know your being stalked in the first place!

   When I was a kid we were so poor. We couldn't afford Easter eggs so my mom would hide her ben-wa balls in the yard instead. And if we didn't find them all she would be really mad.

   I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   He was a good dog. He was a smart, very good boy. Who was a good dog? Who's a hansome, good boy? Was it you? Yes it was..—---Dog obituary

   I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...

   I'll have a little of whatever God was on when he invented seahorses please.

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   Ignoring me is not a punishment. If you want to punish me, tell me about your day. And withhold the booze.

   Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?

   If you play dumb to attract men, ask yourself why you want a man that likes dumb women.

   Kidnapping? Such a harsh word. I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   FYI - Remember to set your clocks forward an hour this weekend because we can only afford 23 hours a day now due to the sequester......

   North Korea has made good on their threat to send a Nuclear Warhead to the Capitol of the United States !!!!! It was sent via UPS Next Day Air and should arrive by Saturday morning.

   Cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it!

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready. :o\