Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Pope John Paul, George and Ringo.

   Pickup line at Jenny Craigs: my arteries are getting hard just looking at you.

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   You know it's getting bad when you are shopping at wal mart and some little wise eyed kid runs up in front of you and starts yelling stranger danger at the top of her lungs. I was just lucky the lady working in lingerie knew I was there and was helping me

   Even if oil prices go down, I’m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor’s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he’s an a&shole.

   The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling “I LOVE YOU!”

   I see you drivin ’round town with a girl I love, and I’m like, it’s nice that she has alternative transportation.

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you’ll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   what if I just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in my mouth

   .irls Stop editing ya'll pics. what if you go missing? How you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook but you look like a shrek in person.

   BEST WAY TO DIE: Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   It’s ridiculous how so much of your future depends on how successful you are as a teenager.

   "I'm sick of beautiful people who don't have to work for their beauty, when I'm over here sweatin my balls off for all this beauty."

   If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.

   Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back but when you're with them they always have their phone in their hand texting.

   "Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.

   They say it's not the about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean? BS... I've NEVER seen a small ship make big waves!!

   Woke up this morning from a dream I was flying. Late to work kind of wished that whole flying thing was true

   what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?? A WIDOW!!