Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wow danica patrick just got a rubber in the rear end in vegas on tv!

   My girlfriend just admitted she’s wrong, I just ran to check the calendar to see if we both forgot my birthday.

   I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive.

   When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.

   Dating is like shopping. No one is new off the shelf. We're all in a second-hand store looking for the vintage gem someone else cast aside.

   Those jeans don't make you look fat, They make you look blind.

   I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.

   We haven't lost an hour, we loaned it to the illusion we call "time". "Time" will pay us back in full at 2am on Sun., Nov 3. This is an interest free loan, and means there are no seconds, minutes, or hours assessed.

   You'll never forget the man who whispered sweetly in your ear "Your next poop is gonna be SO easy"

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.

   If I find out that my soulmate is dead, I’m going to be pissed off that I didn’t have a chance to be the reason she drank herself to death.

   The worst thing about taking naps is you expect to wake up afterwards feeling well-rested but instead you wake up feeling like you died and you forget who and where you are.

   this Mexican guy asked me if I'd seen his beach but we're 300 miles from the ocean...

   Remember it's Sunday. No clever, sarcastic, or intellectual humor. The mouth breathers won't "get" them.

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   No one is more cherished in this world than someone who lightens the burden of another.

   MARY was handpicked by God to bear his son, MOSES was handpicked by God to bring the Israelites out of Egypt, NOAH was personally asked by god to build the ark, but the POPE is chosen by ballot box. One of these people is an impostor.

   Happy Mothers day to a mom who should have been an air traffic controller... ...I was grounded so often!

   Elections show how desperate human beings are to be led by douchebags called politicians.